I'm really going to enjoy Christmas next year!

Christmas is a multi-layered holiday, typically filled with buying gifts, going to many parties with friends and neighbors, and enjoying some sort of feast on Christmas day. These are things that I love to do and be a part of, with my family, and with my social circles. Well, maybe next year.

I've been holding off on writing in this blog, because, frankly, I've gone a bit dark due to physical reasons. Primarily, my mouth, gums, tongue and throat have been blasted from the radiation treatments, and I have to mask the pain with pain killers and numbing liquids. It actually hurts to talk, swallow, or even open my mouth. If you've ever seen someone with a broken jaw that was wired shut, that is what I am like when I try to talk. Not a great conversationalist at parties (all of my wonderful friends have lots of questions, and my adrenaline tricks me into thinking I can talk just fine). I've also lost hair in patches at the back of my neck, and even my neck whiskers have just fallen out.

Then there's the food tease! Fresh baked cookies being dropped off by neighbors. Homemade chocolate nut peanut brittle. Cardiff Crack (local marinated tri tip) grilled to perfection so that the meat is falling away from the knife as I carve it up. Grilled salmon. Seared ahi. Baked potato with butter, sour cream and chives. Broccolini spears, all of which I grilled outside as the sounds of neighbors toasting, and enjoying their family dinners wafts through the air. I won't be able to even sample a bite of the Cardiff Crack.

Julia asks me if I can join her in 1 small sip of her favorite Rombauer chardonnay, to toast the eve. No, sorry, alcohol is acidic and stings. Debbie Downer here, checking in for my shift! I am in some sort of torturous prison. 

I am blessed to have both Sasha and Luke sitting together at the dinner table. Also, Torchie and Dan are with us, so it is a small family celebration. Everyone loads their plates, while I hope to be able to soften a mashed potato with sour cream and chicken broth to wash it down. I get 2 bites in, and my mouth says no. So chicken broth it is. I hung around the dinner table and enjoyed everyone's company, then I headed back into bed at 7pm. 

As I went to bed to rest, the kids both went out with friends, Torchie and Dan left to get home early, and Julia followed shortly behind me to get to sleep early since she didn't want to just be by herself in an empty house. Pretty weird Christmas.

This morning I started my new week of radiation treatments. I met with my doctor today, and he's worried I'm losing too much weight. I told him it feels good to get my weight down, but he says I lost 14 lbs from last week, and that's too fast given how little I'm eating. Still feels good to me! So I either need to eat more (not sure how to?) or consider the feeding tube.